1000 Ways to Screw Up Your Life

Drug — 1 comment
21
Jan 10

10. Try to kill yourself with acetaminophen

Yeah if you are going to kill yourself, do not use sleeping pills with acetaminophen in them, especially if it only a cry for help. Acetaminophen the main ingredient in Tylenol will fry your liver if you take too much. Many times when people try to kill themselves with sleeping pills with acetaminophen in them they end up simply burning up part or all of their liver. If they burn it up completely it is a slow agonizing death.

If you damage your liver you will have fatigue, anal bleeding, pain, bleeding and of course death. Trying to off yourself with a bottle of Tylenol PM might just end up with you leading a painful chronically tired life yellowed and on the edge of death. The sleeping meds in over the counter sleeping pills are not always that powerful, so your chances of dying are probably less than the chances of you screwing up your liver. Basically this means you are shooting for a chronic life long condition and not death, so if you take to much acetaminophen you will most likely screw up your life.

Love — 1 comment
14
Jan 10

9. Fall in love with someone you know is a cheater

You know that guy in the office who is always bragging about “banging” girls. He’s always coming on to you, and you (for fear of being too rude) politely shrug him off. The next time he makes a pass, respond to it positively. Make a pass at him. Flirt. When he asks you out say yes. Pay no attention to any of his rude gestures. When he says he’ll call you believe him. If he doesn’t, then call him. Think about him as often as you can, and just keep telling yourself “he loves me, and always will.”

Know in your heart that he won’t talk about you like he talks about other women. Know that he would never do the things to YOU that you know he did to others in your office or on one night stands.

Do not question him further when he gets flustered over questions you ask, and when he asks you to marry him (because he loves you so so much) say yes. Keep this going, and remember, as you are watching your kids while he’s out at the bars, that “he loves you always will.” Easy. Easy. Easy. Long before you got to the point where you have hard evidence that he has been cheating and is now leaving you for a younger women, you screwed up your life.

Jumping or falling — No comments
10
Jan 10

8. Jump out of the back of a moving pick up.

I’ve done this one. Not all of these ruin your life forever. This one falls under the category of screwing up your life over the short term. When I was in middle school two of my cousins convinced me to jump out of the back of a moving pickup truck. My dad was driving, and we were buzzing through a parking lot. I jumped out of the back of the truck going about 20 or so miles an hour. I was stupid, and I understood nothing about inertia at the time, so I wasn’t prepared for my feet to stick to the ground and the upper half of my body to keep going. I spun on the asphalt like a hockey puck on ice.

When I limped back to the truck I was covered in road rash and had a huge knot on my head where I had bounced my skull off the pavement. It screwed up my life for about 3 weeks. That’s how long it took me to get to something close to normal, you know, sleeping in the right position, being able to bend without being in pain, being able to where clothes without bleeding, that sort of thing. Of course jumping out of any moving vehicle is very dangerous. Sadly the recent incident with Chris Henry from the Cincinnati Bengals shows how dangerous jumping or falling from a moving pickup can be. Henry lost his life on Dec. 17, 2009 during a domestic dispute with his fiance. Henry was either thrown or fell out of the back of the moving pickup and the injuries lead to his death. Jumping from a moving vehicle can screw up your life.

Animals — No comments
05
Jan 10

7. Kick a Wolverine

He is so cute! Go ahead pet him, do it. Wolverines are known to harass cougars and wolves, and they like to take food from bears. If you kick one he will most-likely rip your foot off or worse, but at very least kicking a wolverine will screw up your life.

Drug — 3 comments
19
Dec 09

6. Do Heroin Often

Yes it is simple. You simply do the big H for an extended period of time. If you can do it in a habit forming way, you are sure to screw up your life.

According to the 2006 Drug Use and Health (given by the NIH) survey about 338,000 people in the United States use Heroin. It is not as wide spread as the 15 million marijuana smokers, but hey, not so many people can be dedicated to a Schedule 1 narcotic that is highly addictive, prone to user overdose, and exponentially increases your chances of getting HIV.

Let’s not forget the long term effects of the drug are anything from kidney and heart disease to death. Of course heroin addicts seldom get a chance to worry about getting heart disease. They are too busy feeding their intense fiery all consuming hunger for the drug to take notice of anything else in their lives. Let’s not be fooled. Heroin is about addiction. It is almost the essence of addiction. Users will forego everything else for it. You’re not going to take a dose of heroin and go to work. You are not going to babysit your kids and mow the lawn. You are going to veg in a coma on your couch until you run out, and then you are going to go do it again.

The drug was released in 1895 by Bayer as an over the counter pain killer! Can you imagine the mass populous getting their hands on the happy drug anytime they want? A drug so addictive that all you want to do is that drug? It was so much fun that it only took 19 years for the US government to pass the Harrison Narcotics Tax Act. By 1924 (30 years after its release) the drug was ban. This was mostly due to the population being on fire.

Anyway, if you take up regular use of this teeth rotting, coma inducing drug that is so highly addictive many people struggle their whole lives with it, you are sure to screw up your life.

Uncategorized — 1 comment
10
Dec 09

5. Drive as fast as you can for as long as you can.

Here’s a good way to go about getting your face on television and your life in the crapper. Just go out to your car, pull out of the driveway and do not stop for anything. Drive as fast as you can for as long as you can and you will screw up your life. The numbers are varied on this one. Some report that as high as 40% of high speed police pursuits end in fatalities, but honestly to nail down figures isn’t really the point here.

There are a few things that are certain when it comes to running from the police and weaving at high speeds through traffic. The first thing is, you are sure to make all the cops whose lives you just endangered pretty angry. Let’s remember too that you are going to drive until you hit something, so you will also face either death or serious injury. Once the chase is over the police are sure to put the pressure on you, possible with a knew or a billy club.

In the courts you’ll face 5 years to life in prision for many felony counts including aggravated vehicular homicide, resisting arrest, and using your vehical as the 2 ton endangerment machine it can be. Don’t do this. If you go get in your car now and drive as fast as you can for as long as you can, you are sure to screw up your life.

Puke — No comments
01
Dec 09

4. Begin regular use of ipecac

Yes, believe it or not people do this. It happens much more often than you might think. In the pursuit of beauty we all know that women and men go to great and dangerous lengths. This one has to be one of the most foul ways to rid yourself of unwanted pounds.

Ipecac is a poison. It is derived from various parts of the ipcacuanha plant. The dried parts are used to make Syrup of ipecac. It is widely sold as a last ditch effort to save someone that has been accidentally poisoned. Syrup of ipecac will make you intensely (projectile vomiting ill). Along with the crazy puking you’ll also go a long way to damage your esophagus, stomach, and eventually rot your teeth. This is just the start to all the bad stuff that will happen to you when you commit yourself to being violently ill on a daily basis. You will of course be fatigued and dehydrated as well as dangerously low on life giving sustenance such as electrolytes. If you don’t know these are the chemicals your body needs to produce electricity. If you don’t have them, your brain will not function and your heat will not beat.

The benefits of a Ipecac commitment doesn’t end there for screwing up your life though. Ipecac after all is a poison. This poison builds up in the muscles and causes the very pleasant condition of muscle wasting. This means that your muscles will both waste away and harden or atrophy. If you’ve done any reading about one of your favorite muscles, the heart, you’ll know that it is a bad thing for this large muscle to atrophy while you’re still depending on it to keep you alive. Ipecac almost targets the heart, and you usually end up, even after just a short period of time abusing ipecac, with damaged heart muscle and malfunctioning valves. This can lead to death or the suffer’s quality life decreasing to sitting in a chair all day gasping for air and not being able to get up to go to the bathroom on their own. This condition is also known as Congestive Heart Failure (CHF). If you want it, you might be lucky enough to score it by simply taking ipecac over a relatively short period of time. You should know though that your chances of death are pretty high too.

So either this will kill you (a slow, tired, sickening, pale, ugly death) or you will screw up your life. You should keep in mind as well, that you might be thin (on the verge of death thin), but your skin, hair, and eyes will all look like crap. It is a side effect of dehydration.

So if you commit to taking this drug over a relatively short period of time (if you don’t die) you’ll be tired, pale, ugly, wasting away, heart damaged, and sure to have screwed up your life

Vitamin — 1 comment
30
Nov 09

3. Cut Vitamin C Completely Out of Your Diet

Many people have done this. Not purposefully of course, but you could be the first. Sailors long ago used to develop the condition scurvy while on long voyages. The symptoms of the condition are “spongy gums” (which really isn’t as fun as it sounds) loss of hair, receding gum and bloody gum lines, and formation of spots on the skin. Eventually your teeth will fall out and you will die if you do not take in Vitamin C to aid in the body’s production of collagen

Long ago masses of people on ships would die from Scurvy due to Vitamin C deficiency. There has been a treatment for Scurvy since around 1614. “The Surgion’s Mate” published by John Woodall recommended oranges, lemons, and limes as a last resort. This means they had the cure but didn’t recommend it. It wasn’t until the 1700s that people really got this disease nailed down and understood that fresh produce was the answer.

In the 1800s British sailors picked up the nickname “Limey” from the practice of carrying lime juice on boats to stave off scurvy. The term was later used as a more broad description of sailors in general. Scurvy dog of course referred to a pirate or sailor in less than perfect health. You can imagine that many pirates and sailors of the time might not have been in the greatest physical or most hygienic condition. The one who was most stinky was probably called a scurvy dog, just a short time before he checked out.

Modern reports of scurvy happen more often than you might think. In Britain there were 97 cases reported in 07/08: This article. The article states that children might be getting the disease from only eating bread and jam due to being poor. There are other reasons the article does not mention. Teenagers and college students who sit around playing video games, drinking diet soda, and eating a lot of snack food might also find their gums bleeding and teeth falling out. A diet high in carbohydrates is also thought to make you more susceptible to scurvy. Atkins fans will love that.

There are very few deadly diseases you can give yourself by putting forth so little effort. I mean you can use I.V. drugs, or have unprotected sex or simply stop eating Vitamin C. So after weeks of sitting in your darken room (lit by a flickering television and computer screens), snacking on Munchos and drinking diet Mountain Dew, you have muscle weakness, weak bones, hair loss, and bloody “spongy” (I love that description) gums. You might be part of the few and proud modern day suffers of scurvy. You can also drink lots of water, only eat meat, exercise everyday, and you can still get scurvy. So teenage video game fanatics and corporate middle-managers have about the same chance of getting this devastating disease.

And yes, if you cut all Vitamin C out of your diet for an extended period of time, you are sure to screw up your life.

Babies — 3 comments
24
Nov 09

2. Have as Many Babies as You Can as Fast as You Can

P2140097 People do this all the time, basically, and it turns out just about the same for everyone. I have children, and I know what it is like to go through the wonderful and bewildering experience. Having a child is like driving a truck through your house. It really is. If you are reading this and do not have children, people are not telling you all the things that happen when you do have children. I know many young couples who have been married for a few years. They are free and happy, and they decide to have a child. From the starting gun going off to the hospital to about 6 months after the child is born the parents are crazy haired and wasted in most cases. The mother is pale and desperate in many ways, and the father, for the most part, just seems very confused by the situation.

We should look at some of the factors in having and raising a child before people start screaming at me that this isn’t a viable way to screw up your life. Believe me your going to drastically change your life by having a child. You will have a small stinky thing living with you who will need to be changed every few hours and fed at least every 4. When is the last time you took care of anything that demanded your attention at least every 4 hours? He or she will of course demand much more time than that. I believe most parents will concede the fact that babies are very “demanding.”

The cost of having a baby is somewhere in the range of $10,000 to $12,000 for a vaginal birth and $15,000-$20,000 for a Cesarean. The cost of actually taking care of the kid (the little expensive bundle of joy) is phenomenal when you get right down to it. You can take a look here to calculate the amount of money that you’ll spend on a new baby. Calculating on the very low site your baby will cost about $200-$300 a month to start. That’s not the end of it of course. You’d think after they grow to like 2 or 3 years old you’d be able to let the little things get out on their own, but it turns out these things tend to stick around. For the long term you are looking at spending about $200,000-$300,000 to raise the child over the course of your life time. You can calculate that for yourself here.

The time and the cost is off the scale. You’d think we’d make these things easier to have and take care of being that the whole species is doomed if people decide that it is either too time consuming or too expensive to have a baby, but what do I know. Overall if you start having babies as quickly as you can right now you could have your very own little one in a matter of about 10 months. That’s out the door and prep time for your lover. If after you bring your little one home you get right to it, wait the recommended six weeks, and try again, you will have another little one about 11 months after the first. At a very rough estimate we are saying that you have now gone from no children to 2 children in about 21 months. The cost has been around $22,000, and have about a $600 a month bill that will stay with you. You might be lucky to consolidate down to more like $500. Your life time bill now stands at around $400,000.

tn_DSCF0939_006 Let’s remember that you are dedicated to this. You decide to have one child after another for as long as you can. Lets say that you are 25 when you start having children and you have a child about once a year until you hit 40. At the age of 40 you think you’ve had enough and call it quits. This would mean that you have had 15 children. Not only will you have had at least 15 hospital stays and countless visits, you will have missed about (very roughly) about 21900 hours of sleep. Your baseline hospital costs for just having the children (if there are no complications) is about $150,000. Your total cost over your life time is uncalculable, but taking a rough guess we’ll say $150,000 per child (the discount rate) times 15 is $2,250,000.

The first 6 or 7 have to be the hardest, if you can get by those it might get easier. My grandmother had 13 children. I’m not sure what she was thinking about all of that. If she were here I would ask her. I’m sure she loved all of them, but I think she would agree that having as many children as she could as fast as she could drastically changed her life. I’m sure there were many times she was desperate and tired and crazy with no sleep. She had babies at a time when babies were still cheap though. At this point, they are so expensive so time consuming and so exhausting, I think most people would agree that having as many babies as you can as fast as you can will screw up your life. You’ll be (if you’re middle class when you start) poor and tired. Your house will be a mess, you and your husband or wife will be stressed. You’ll know that if you ever get to see them, and the vast majority of your children will feel like a middle child.

It is not the most practical way to go about it, but if you start having as many children as you can as fast as you can you will screw up your life.

Jumping or falling — No comments
23
Nov 09

1. Jump off Something Just High Enough Not to Kill You

429px-Flatiron_building Yes it is true that there have been many people who have fallen from great heights and have lived and even walked away with minor scraps, bruises and cuts. For instance Vesna Vulovic. She was a Serbian flight attended who fell 33,333 feet from an exploding flight 367 over Czechoslovakia. According to the Guinness Book of Records Vesna holds the world record for the person to survive the highest fall.

There is no doubt people survive high falls all the time, but chances are if you go up to the top of a 4-6 story building and jump off, you are going to screw up your life. It is estimated that you can survive a fall of around 50 feet without dying. If you say each story on a building is about 10 feet you will come up with about 5 stories.

Believe it or not there have been many studies done on the subject of jumping off something high. Doctors and scientists have shown a great interest in how the human body reacts to the sudden stop at the end of a fall. You can check out some of these studies on Google here. One study (you can read the abstract here) states, “Height of a fall is a poor predictor of major injury.” I’m going to beg to differ on this one. The study did have a maximum height of 32.8 feet. Other studies have shown that if you fall a great distance say 80 to 100 feet you have a tendency to break your ass.

450px-Ewart_Building Major injuries that are not uncommon: broken pelvis, broken spine, skull fracture, internal injuries, and of course fractures, breaks, and compound fractures of the legs and arms. This makes for a bad day for sure, but the recovery and physical therapy from a fall like this is sure to have some lasting effects. At very least you will screw up your life until you recover.

The two buildings in this post are examples of what we are talking about jumping off. The picture above is of a building that is about 15 stories. That’s not the one we are talking about. The shorter building beside it is about 5 or 6 stories high. It gives you some perspective on how bad this will hurt. The picture to the right is of a building that is about 11 stories high. Again, chances are, if you jump off the taller of the 2 buildings in this picture, it will end your life. The building that will screw up your life, not end it, is the building to the right of the tall one. If you take a look at that lady walking down the street in front of the tall building you get a pretty good idea about the pain and horrible injuries you will recieve if you manage to survive the fall. This is a gamble of course. People have died from falling or jumping from much shorter distances. If you land on the balls of your feet and possibly go limp you will screw up your life. If you jump head first you are pretty sure to end it. You also might land on something softer than the concrete to help you out, like a car or a near by dumpster. Either way, falling from the SHORTER building in this picture has a great probablity of screwing up your life. Of course it is incredibly stupid to do something like this. Stay home, watch T.V., eat a ham sandwich, go to a movie friends. Do something that won’t SCREW UP YOUR LIFE.

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